


melt your headaches...

by brendonboydburie



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Be Gentle With Me, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post Panic! Split, Unrequited Love, brendon has a breakdown and dallon's like fuck, i haven't done this in a while, just brendon being angry mostly, sort of kind of ryan shaming but not really?, vices & virtues era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-03
Updated: 2014-01-03
Packaged: 2018-01-07 08:14:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1117586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brendonboydburie/pseuds/brendonboydburie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brendon decides to sing Northern Downpour at a show one night. He barely makes it through the song. Dallon's heart is broken for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	melt your headaches...

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dIqsvpmcOI

"Brendon…come on, Brendon, wait!" Dallon called as Brendon hurried off the stage, and his own voice was drowned out amidst the still cheering fans as the lights went on in the venue and Dallon heard the crashing of the gate and the equipment collapsing and being packed. 

Dallon was sort of reeling at the moment. His respect for Brendon had basically grown ten times in the last hour, watching Brendon nearly have a total breakdown onstage and playing right on through it and finishing the show, barely missing a beat. 

He’d known playing the song live was probably going to be weird, even though he didn’t know everything about what had happened between his two current bandmates and the two ex-members, he’d gathered enough from the internet and bits and pieces Brendon would slip up and mention. 

He knew enough, that Ryan had been important to Brendon. Important was probably the biggest understatement of the year, but he knew. And he knew Northern Downpour was sort of their song, in the fans’ eyes and in Brendon’s. Brendon had wanted him and Ian to learn it anyway, wanted them to basically learn the entire repertoire, just in case, but Dallon was honestly surprised that night when they were scrawling out a setlist and Brendon had grabbed it, scribbled “Nrthn Dwnpr” in the middle of the list, and walked away without a word. 

Dallon had pretended not to notice when Spencer caught Brendon’s elbow just before they went on, murmuring “are you sure?” to him, and Brendon just nodded, pulling away and parading onstage with the biggest grin on his face that Dallon was only just starting to gather was only a show face, and completely fabricated. It sort of broke his heart.

The song had started and it was okay. They were doing alright. Dallon had felt the air shift the moment they started playing, had felt the tension throughout the room, but he thought maybe he’d imagined it, and they were going to make it through the song just fine, until he heard Brendon’s voice break and glanced over to see Brendon stepping away from the microphone, muttering “God, I’m sorry,” and Dallon’s heart skipped a beat.

Brendon didn’t stop playing, kept right on singing, and Dallon couldn’t stop glancing over at him after that, a little scared. Brendon was sweaty enough that no one else could really tell, but Dallon saw the tear rolling down his cheek disguised as a drop of sweat. And they were only halfway through the song, and they played on, and Brendon’s strumming only got fiercer and fiercer, his voice louder and harsher and Dallon could feel the anger, the frustration, the betrayal and the pain practically oozing out of him, like he was playing to rid himself of it as quickly and violently as possible. 

The song ended and the stage went black, and Ian was there before Dallon could think to move, but Brendon just shrugged him off, grinning again when the lights came up, offering a quick apology before he barreled on with the set. Dallon had glanced over his shoulder and seen the heartbroken look on Spencer’s face, the way his eyes were locked on Brendon like he desperately wanted to get to him but knew he couldn’t.

They finished the show. The atmosphere had changed, but Brendon just kept bouncing around like a hyperactive puppy like nothing was wrong. But Dallon saw. He saw the dead look in his eyes, and he felt nauseous. 

And then Brendon was booking it offstage before any of them could get to him and Dallon handed his bass off to the nearest crew member and practically ran down the hall to catch Brendon.

"Brendon, come on, just wait," Dallon tried, reaching for his arm and grabbing him by the elbow, trying to pull him to a stop. 

Brendon yanked his arm away, not even bothering to look at Dallon when he muttered “leave me alone, I’m fine.”

"You’re not," Dallon insisted, pulling Brendon back and tugging him into the dressing room at the end of the hall, closing the door behind them. 

He turned to see Brendon pacing, hands in his hair and eyes squeezed tightly shut. “I’m fine,” he said again, but his voice was shaking and Dallon’s throat tightened.

"You’re not fine," he argued weakly.

Before he could say another word, Brendon had turned on him sharply, staring at him imploringly and accusingly. 

"Why? Why, huh?" and Dallon didn’t quite understand, lips parting a little in confusion. "What did I do? Besides be a damn good friend and try and do what was best for the band, what did I do to deserve what happened? Huh?"

And Dallon understood suddenly, and his heart sank a little. He stared at Brendon sadly, biting his lip and keeping his mouth shut as Brendon’s frenzied tirade continued. “And I tried- fuck, I tried so hard to make everyone happy, I never fucking stood up for myself or fought for my ideas or Spencer’s, I just fucking let them do what they wanted because I was scared of hurting them, because I wanted everyone to be happy. And they fucking walk out on me anyway, he fucking left me, after everything we’d been through, he just fucking left. And he has the fucking audacity to tell me to remember that line, pay attention to that line, because it was important. Well good for fucking you, I know it’s important, you piece of shit, it was important because it was for me, he wrote it for me because it was ours, it was our song and our secret and he wanted it to hurt, you know that, I think I finally get it now, he wanted it to hurt, he was so fucking bitter and jealous that he never wanted me to be able to sing his songs again because it would hurt too much and he made fucking sure of it. After everything I fucking did for him, after the way I cared about him, he fucking knew how much I cared about him, how much I loved him and he used that, he used that to fucking destroy me, and you know what? That’s fucked up! That’s- that’s fucking cruel, and you know what, I didn’t deserve that! I didn’t deserve to have the fucking carpet ripped out from under me, to have my best friends desert me and Spence, to have him, my- my- …whatever he was just fucking leave me and make it hurt the way it still fucking hurts to this day, its- it’s not fair! It’s just not fucking fair!”

And then Brendon just stopped, staring at Dallon with heartbreak in his eyes, panting and shaking, and Dallon stepped forward, reaching for Brendon and tugging him into his arms, hugging him tightly as Brendon’s face fell against his shoulder and he felt the tiny shudders of Brendon’s shoulders as he cried against Dallon.

"I know," Dallon soothed. "I know. It’s not fair. And you didn’t deserve it. He hurt you and you didn’t deserve it and I’m sorry, B, I’m really sorry…" he tried, rubbing Brendon’s back.

"I fucking loved him," Brendon choked out, voice muffled by Dallon’s shirt.

"I know," Dallon repeated. "I know you did. And he didn’t deserve how much you loved him. He shouldn’t have taken something so special and used it, he should have cherished it, you deserve someone to cherish that, Bren," he urged, and his own heart ached a little, but he squashed the feeling, knowing now wasn’t the time. 

"I tried…I tried so hard…" Brendon murmured.

Dallon nodded against him, fingers tangling in Brendon’s hair. “You did everything you could. It wasn’t your fault. He made the choice and nothing you could’ve done would’ve stopped him. And I know it hurts, and things have changed, but that’s okay. It’s okay because now you get to grow and do things the way you need to. And it’s not the same but it’s okay. And you’re strong. You’re strong for carrying on, and keeping this band alive, and for playing this show and every show and I- I’m sorry. I’m sorry this has to be on you. You don’t deserve it.”

They stood there in silence for who knew how long, Dallon just holding onto Brendon tightly, rubbing soothing circles in his back, his shoulders, murmuring quietly in his ear every time Brendon let out a tiny shudder, tightening his fingers where his hands were fisted in the fabric of Dallon’s shirt.

It was a long time before Brendon let out a shaky breath and pulled away. Dallon didn’t release him completely, still holding his arms as Brendon swallowed hard and bit his lip, looking up at Dallon.

"Thank you," he murmured finally.

Dallon nodded. “Always.”

Brendon smiled weakly, nodding at him before he leaned in to hug him one more time. “Love you, Dall,” Brendon murmured against his ear.

"Love you too, Brendon," Dallon sighed, voice catching a little just before Brendon pulled away.

They both looked up when they heard a knock on the door, Spencer’s voice coming through sort of muffled. “Hey guys, we okay to come in?”

Dallon glanced at Brendon for confirmation, who nodded. “Yeah,” he called. “Come on in.”

And then Brendon smiled. And it was small, nothing near his show-face grin, but it was the first genuine smile Dallon had seen on his face in while, and it made his heart leap just enough.


End file.
